"What is this life? How did I get here?"

One unfortunate side effect of having children is the constant worry.  I know some parents are even tempered and don't have issues with this (Joel) but it is something I struggle with every day. I was telling Joel last night that having a baby is so hard---not because of the night waking, feeding, etc.... but because of the anxiety I feel. It's miserable. Now that I'm coming out of the fog of having a baby, I'm trying to work on making myself calm and taming my ever present worry. I'm very calm when I'm around Benjamin--after all, he is pretty much under my control at all times. But I can't believe the craziness I allow my thoughts when I'm alone. The other day I decided to take a shower after B. had woken up from his nap. I normally shower when he is sleeping or I put him in his crib for a few minutes, but this day I had decided to let him play on the floor in his room. Keep in mind that his room is directly across the hall from the bathroom, and I had both doors open. Also keep in mind that I take 5 minute showers, max. I knew there was nothing on the floor he could choke on and he can't crawl or pull himself up on things, only roll from side to side. Feeling like everything was secure, I jumped in the shower. As I happily shampooed my hair, I realized I wasn't hearing any crying. Ben always cries when I take a shower because he hates being left alone. That got me started. I realized I had been showering longer that normal---probably because I didn't hear any fussing. Then the dark crazy part of my mind took over.

What's wrong? Why isn't he crying?

He found something on the floor and he's choking.

No, he can't be choking. There's nothing to choke on.

Yes he is.

He's suffocating in his blanket.

No, that's silly. He's perfectly capable of lifting his head up.

Yes he is. He can't breathe. 

OH MY GOD! IT"S TOO LATE! I CAN"T BELIEVE I"M SHOWERING WHILE MY BABY IS SUFFOCATING!!!!

Cue to me panicking, hands shaking, ripping the shower curtain aside and jumping out, running across the bathroom floor and hallway soaking wet (almost falling) nearly in tears and hysterical, only to be met with.......Benjamin calmly laying on his blanket watching the ceiling fan and talking to his stuffed lion.

Embarrassingly, this is not the first time I've had this type of reaction. On the outside, I appear perfectly normal and relaxed. No one knows I check on Benjamin about 5 or 6 times between the time he goes to bed and I go to bed. Then I like awake waiting for him to wake me up. If he sleeps past his normal time for night waking (12:30) then I tiptoe out of my room and into his bedroom, peer down at his little body and make sure he is still breathing. 

I need therapy. This is too stressful. If I continue down this path, it will most likely NOT be healthy for us. I'll be like Kate in Jon & Kate + 8, but worse....and that's a future I don't want. What do I do? At least I'm aware of the problem, and it HAS to get easier...right? I really don't want to be that mom--you know, the one calling her kids every 20 minutes when they're out with friends, expecting them to attend college close to home then insisting they come visit every weekend, wanting to know every detail of their lives....Ok, I guess I have a few years to work through these issues. 

WHEW! Writing this post made me feel anxious! I'm off to do some deep breathing exercises. 

7 Months Already!

Wednesday was Benjamin's 7 month birthday. I feel like we're in a tug of war, Mr. B. and I. We'll have 2 (or maybe) 3 good weeks when we understand each other perfectly. I'll say, "how about a nap Mr. B?" and he'll respond, "why yes, thank you ever so Mother. That would be delightful." Then we have weeks when we butt heads constantly. I don't understand what he wants, and that just makes him more frustrated. Because babies are constantly changing, every month brings a new problem or personality trait to light. Right now he is demonstrating wants and needs beyond the usual sleeping, eating, etc....If I have something in my hand he wants it, and if I take it away, he fusses. His new "trick" is arching his back and crying every time I try to put him ANYWHERE.....carseat, crib, floor, high chair, baby swing, stroller.....Usually once he's there it's ok, so I guess he's just letting me know he's not happy about it. I don't know if this is a baby thing or a Benjamin thing, but he's also getting a little impatient. When I put him in his high chair he's fine, but once I put a bib on him I BETTER have his food ready, because he's not waiting. Trays get banged, feet are kicked, crying ensues.....I mean, dude, calm down. Dinner is coming in about 30 seconds. The best is when he tries to eat his bib.....I guess he's just being REALLY dramatic and showing me how hungry he is. Funny how 2 minutes ago he was perfectly calm. I think he's putting me on. Last night we went to visit Ally and Owen, and Mr. B. was playing in Owen's exersaucer. Basically, Owen crawled over, pulled himself up and began also trying to play with the toy. The baby Benjamin I'm used to would have looked at Owen, and either let him play or moved on to something else. Not last night! Benjamin protested loudly and actually slapped Owen's hand, leading to a baby tug of war over a plush toy. I didn't know a 7 month old could act like a toddler. Right now we are also in an epic battle of wills over nap time. We used to have a quick nurse, he would either fall asleep or get very drowsy, I would put him in his crib, and that was it. My friends, those days have passed.We still have a quick nurse in the rocking chair, but he is NOT having the crib. His eyes will be red, he'll be tugging on his ears and rubbing his face.....yawning, but he still refuses to sleep. So now we're playing a new "game." I put him in the crib, he cries, I pick him up, he stops, I put him down, etc...Eventually he gets the message, and will just talk to himself or play with his animals until he dozes off. Hmmmm........hates naps, fights sleep....I don't know anyone else like that :) Here are a few pictures from this month. He is really starting to look like a little boy!  

This was taken at Grandma's house last month.

Here he is in his awesome John Deere hat that Joel's cousin Sarah gave him. Sometimes he puts it on and "helps" Joel in the yard.

This was at Grandma's house also, in his scary Halloween outfit!

I just took this one a couple days ago. He has really started to look so much older.

What was I doing again?

When I was a little girl I would frequently wake up and start my day full of unrivaled energy. I would take advantage of this state by closing my bedroom door, observing the design state of my lair, and map out a new arrangement. Using my own little body, I would then DRAG my bedroom furniture to its new designated spot...sometimes re-purposing furniture I had found in the garage. I would then clean manically, and TADA! Open my door so everyone in the family could marvel at the transformation. Well, today it finally happened. After 7 months of alternately taking care of B. and sitting around like a slug, I AM BACK! I jumped out of bed this morning with the intent of giving the ol' switcheroo to our small den. I want to move the piano where the chairs are, the chairs where the piano is, insert a coffee table, plants, magazines, gallery wall above the chairs, paint the fireplace, unload the bookcase, move the bookcase, load back the bookcase, and THOROUGHLY.CLEAN. EVERYTHING. And then triple TADA! 

Only this is what I have done so far.....

Ya'll.....I have a baby now. I think I forgot for a moment. And pianos are REALLY heavy. And.....my coffee wore off and now I'm kinda tired. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

**Why yes, those chairs were last recovered during the Nixon administration. Why do you ask?