"What is this life? How did I get here?"

One unfortunate side effect of having children is the constant worry.  I know some parents are even tempered and don't have issues with this (Joel) but it is something I struggle with every day. I was telling Joel last night that having a baby is so hard---not because of the night waking, feeding, etc.... but because of the anxiety I feel. It's miserable. Now that I'm coming out of the fog of having a baby, I'm trying to work on making myself calm and taming my ever present worry. I'm very calm when I'm around Benjamin--after all, he is pretty much under my control at all times. But I can't believe the craziness I allow my thoughts when I'm alone. The other day I decided to take a shower after B. had woken up from his nap. I normally shower when he is sleeping or I put him in his crib for a few minutes, but this day I had decided to let him play on the floor in his room. Keep in mind that his room is directly across the hall from the bathroom, and I had both doors open. Also keep in mind that I take 5 minute showers, max. I knew there was nothing on the floor he could choke on and he can't crawl or pull himself up on things, only roll from side to side. Feeling like everything was secure, I jumped in the shower. As I happily shampooed my hair, I realized I wasn't hearing any crying. Ben always cries when I take a shower because he hates being left alone. That got me started. I realized I had been showering longer that normal---probably because I didn't hear any fussing. Then the dark crazy part of my mind took over.

What's wrong? Why isn't he crying?

He found something on the floor and he's choking.

No, he can't be choking. There's nothing to choke on.

Yes he is.

He's suffocating in his blanket.

No, that's silly. He's perfectly capable of lifting his head up.

Yes he is. He can't breathe. 

OH MY GOD! IT"S TOO LATE! I CAN"T BELIEVE I"M SHOWERING WHILE MY BABY IS SUFFOCATING!!!!

Cue to me panicking, hands shaking, ripping the shower curtain aside and jumping out, running across the bathroom floor and hallway soaking wet (almost falling) nearly in tears and hysterical, only to be met with.......Benjamin calmly laying on his blanket watching the ceiling fan and talking to his stuffed lion.

Embarrassingly, this is not the first time I've had this type of reaction. On the outside, I appear perfectly normal and relaxed. No one knows I check on Benjamin about 5 or 6 times between the time he goes to bed and I go to bed. Then I like awake waiting for him to wake me up. If he sleeps past his normal time for night waking (12:30) then I tiptoe out of my room and into his bedroom, peer down at his little body and make sure he is still breathing. 

I need therapy. This is too stressful. If I continue down this path, it will most likely NOT be healthy for us. I'll be like Kate in Jon & Kate + 8, but worse....and that's a future I don't want. What do I do? At least I'm aware of the problem, and it HAS to get easier...right? I really don't want to be that mom--you know, the one calling her kids every 20 minutes when they're out with friends, expecting them to attend college close to home then insisting they come visit every weekend, wanting to know every detail of their lives....Ok, I guess I have a few years to work through these issues. 

WHEW! Writing this post made me feel anxious! I'm off to do some deep breathing exercises.