I re-read some portions of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" the other night, and there was a passage where the author describes the phenomena of women in their late 30's desperate to have another baby just so they can delay having to figure out what to do with their lives. I don't feel that way (and I'm not in my late 30's quite yet) but I can understand that type of thinking. Raising a child overtakes your whole life in such a way that you really have to fight to retain a small part of yourself that has nothing to do with being a mother. Fight to have a conversation that doesn't involve sleep habits, or eating habits, or developmental milestones, or the cute things they all do. I have those conversations all the time, and they're fun, but I don't want several years to go by before I realize those are the only discussions I'm having. And then panic because the kid(s) are getting older and are in school, and then think to myself "hey! Another baby would be great, right?"
I don't know...I guess there are some women who really throw themselves into being a mom and really WANT that to completely be their identity. Oh, don't get me wrong. Benjamin is my job right now. I stay at home with my child, breastfeed, think about him nearly 24/7....but I fully realize that Benjamin is not my property, He is his own person, with his own thoughts. The older he gets, the more independent he will become, and THAT IS OK. He's not a doll, and he's not a pet. I will set rules in my house, and he will have to follow those rules, but at some point he will become an adult and start making his own decisions completely independent of my input. Once again, THAT IS OK.
I was in line at Target a few months back, and the woman in front of me started a conversation about how they grow up so fast, in school before you know it, leaving home, blah blah blah. And then she said to me, "I don't want ANY of my children to leave home. I just want them to stay here forever. I hope my daughter attends school at UNCW and lives at home." WHAT!!!! That just KILLS me. I keep imagining some sort of "Grey Gardens' type of situation. I wanted to say, "Wow. I feel sorry for you. I hope you find a hobby of some sort." But of course, I just politely nodded and moved on with my purchases. I once had a woman whose daughter lives a couple hours away say to me, "you know, I feel like I don't get to see my children very often, but realizing how far away you are from your parents, I just have to say to myself, it could be much worse, couldn't it?" Um...well, yes. It actually could be MUCH worse. Your daughter could be dead. She could decide to never speak to you again. She could be a soldier and be in Iraq for an extended period of time. Your children could be immigrants who have decided never to return to their home country. She could be in a North Korean labor camp! I think my parents living a relatively short plane ride away is pretty low on the hardship scale.
So I am clear, I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with living close to home. Joel and I have thought about moving back many times. Being away from your parents is hard, especially when you have children. But I am so thankful that Joel and I have parents who encouraged to follow our dreams and didn't protest when those dreams included moving far away. They don't make us feel guilty about our choices, and they realize that we are our own family, and our path will be different than their path. I am alway telling Joel, "can you imagine what it will be like when Benjamin leaves us? I'm going to cry and cry." And I will. But I'm so glad I have good examples of how to cope with that transition.
Hmmm...I started out having nothing to say, and ended up saying a little too much, huh? I'm truly not trying to offend anyone, I promise. Just wait a few years...you all will have the last laugh when Benjamin is 30 and still living at home, right?
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